A pixel art polar bear on a melting ice cap (illustration by Jasmine Weber for Hyperallergic)

Scientists are sounding the alarm this week, as a freak heat spike in Antarctica caused a major ice shelf collapse. But this news was soon overshadowed by an even more disturbing study alerting that less than 4% of things in the world remain to be NFT’d.

“When we saw this trend take off, we thought we had an ample global supply of NFTs,” said Dr. Amanda Bobanda, lead researcher for the Department of Wasted Energy. “We underestimated humanity’s voracious appetite for putting energy towards the wrong things.”

The study is devastating to a legion of artists who were reveling in the potential to make income from their art for the first time ever by simply bastardizing it for “cyberjerks,” but the real victims here are obviously the people who love to collect NFTs.

“First my pogs collection failed to effectively appreciate,” said Frank McFrank, a lifelong collector of idiotic fad objects. “Then the bottom fell out of Beanie Babies. We cannot let NFTs burn out for lack of fresh subject matter. My portfolio can’t take it.”

“Maybe they will discover a new species of bird, and then someone can turn that into an NFT,” he added hopefully. When it was pointed out that things like the Antarctica ice shelf collapse are harbingers of global climate apocalypse, and human life on Earth is at risk of burning out more than NFTs, McFrank grew wistful.

“Did anyone catch that ice shelf collapse?” he asked. “That would make a sick NFT.”

Luckily, the NFT market will no longer be limited to terrestrial subject matter. With Jeff Koons planning to create his first NFTs on an outer space mission, we can look forward to a whole new galaxy of subject matter, attainable by simply using an extra-insane amount of resources to break the atmosphere.

And if all else fails, we can just burn the contents of the Louvre, one by one. How sick would that be?

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Sarah Rose Sharp

Sarah Rose Sharp is a Detroit-based writer, activist, and multimedia artist. She has shown work in New York, Seattle, Columbus and Toledo, OH, and Detroit — including at the Detroit Institute of Arts….

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